the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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