Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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