I'm going to jail i love you
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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