omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is Oprah even human
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