Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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