I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
pray to the hookup gods
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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