woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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