I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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