he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im six kinds of drunk right now
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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