I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
