So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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