Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
dude. I can hear the air.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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