sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
