Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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