This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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