Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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