hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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