so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
50% drunk capacity currently
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
