this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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