seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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