I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
