Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize