weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
