hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
