Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
