Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize