so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
