Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
