Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
