Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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