Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
