get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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