Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
