Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
