Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
