my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
