I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
