Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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