I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
