its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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