Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
