why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Randomize