He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
