Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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