Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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