Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
