I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
