don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
