why didn't you poke me back
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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