You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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