sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
