he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
