yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Too much gin, very little bucket
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
