when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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