one word: firstdatebathroomanal
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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